Retreating Inwards

___the kingdom of heaven is within us_____Jesus

_____the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, when a man realised what was in that field,he went to sell everything he had with joy and bought that field____The Parable of Jesus according to the Gospel of Matthew

Here in this parable, Jesus is talking about that innate unconditional Love and Wisdom and Joy that lives in the very core of each and every human being.And here he is speaking about what are we willing to give up and strive for to reach,discover and uncover in this chamber within each being……………1024px-Parable_of_the_hidden_treasure_Rembrandt_-_Gerard_Dou

All enlighten Beings teach the same thing… look inside of us!


What is it like to undertake a self-discovery journey into oneself?

November 17th 1998…………….the day I made a resolute commitment to change my whole being…….to say yes to the truth of that Inner call …….to hear the ‘still small voice’beckoning………….it was not easy to hear that voice but because I was literally brought down to my knees in intense suffering and broken-ness…….that I had to open up Within and look deep inside myself to truly see who I was,who I am,what did I do to come to this point in my life,why was I suffering,is there a way to undo all this and is there a better reason and purpose for my life/living/existence…………….the questions and self inquiry were many that I introspected within myself.I spent hours and hours in quiet meditation, contemplation/reflection and visualizations …..again,the quietude of the church was a place I used for this sublime intention.There was never a moment that I never stopped the investigation within……… I enquired…….answers came flooding in………..revelations were shocking,baffling,confusing and wondrous too.I had to analyse all situations of my life as they revealed and opened up……it was never all at once but slowly and accordingly………(it took years!)………


I got to regress backwards into childhood/adulthood memories and see where similar situations that I had faced before was happening in present day….who said what to me and how I had reacted.I realised habitual patterns tend to repeat thru-out our lives,and I thought that is the way I was …….I learned that from my past traumas,good/bad memories,family,educational,social,cultural and religious upbringing had so much part to play in the then present day life/living… it had been ingrained in my psyche and how I had acted/reacted emotionally,socially,physically,spiritually and mentally thru out my life up till the time of my spiritual transformation.


Of course at first I had no idea or inclination of what was I suppose to do,to go through,to experience …..but as I made a conscious effort to warrant a change and to recognise and admit my frailties,my faults,my transgressions and also my own capabilities of goodness……I dared continue to walk into a beautiful journey of self purification, transformation and realization leading to Freedom………….As I saw all my mistakes and dents in my life…..I strove to purify it by either sincerely offering forgiveness to the person/people themselves or in silent symbolic ways…..and mostly to forgive myself with understanding and reverence…….as I saw myself becoming humble and ‘pure of heart'(the simplicity and sincere expressions of honesty)in doing little noble deeds and sacrifices….I learned to love myself(not in a narcissistic way) but in a way of dying to ego,dying to falseness,to pride, arrogance,ignorance,self hatred,resentments,anger,jealousies,greed,need for control,neediness for recognition/self importance,cravings and attachments.I saw my vulnerabilities and imperfections!


When I learned to love myself for the goodness I saw within me,I saw the powerful potential in all of human nature for Unconditional Love to be manifested,in each and every human being!….I saw the capability of each one to transform and bring forth peace and goodness to humanity.I was witnessing the purified Inner Self…….the Self that was not living in duality(separateness)but only one-ness with all of creation.I saw no distinctions between good or bad,homosexual or heterosexual,saint or terrorist,black or white,politician or priest,believer of religious traditions or non-believer,the beautiful or the ugly and no one going to ‘heaven’or ‘hell’….we are all one in this human journey of suffering,challenges and the propensity to Love,we are all capable of change and transformational spiritual growth and at the liberty to choose our destiny……………………..

Going within myself was also about quietly watching,my thoughts,actions(deeds),speech and fluctuations of emotional states and moods without judging,without being harsh and punitive on myself but gently noticing and acknowledging its contents and letting it be…..slowly I noticed as I watched my restless mind without acting on anything,it was becoming still and harnessed,thus Awareness arised.Awareness helps bring clarity to our actions/reactions …how we act towards others and others to us……….


I was being true to myself,I was not running away from challenges……I was not hiding from any hidden agendas from anyone or anything….everything was becoming authentic and real……..not fleeting and not illusory!

As I uncovered the cause of my own sufferings,I could only feel compassion and kindness for myself and others…. I treated myself with care as I would with others….


I did not have a spiritual teacher on this awe-inspiring, wondrous journey to guide and support my inner growth and flowering…..but I realised that there is an Inner Teacher/guide/wisdom already within each and every human being,ever-ready to act and light the path when we truly say our ‘Yes”to move in an inward journey.Of course there were the many,many highly spiritually adept teachers that I accessed thru books(from the library) of various spiritual/religious traditions as well as self-help books(books on chakras and kundalini helped with the happenings/going-ons within the body)…….as I read their books,I felt as though I was sitting at their feet listening to them expound their teachings, it helped me unlock the times when I felt stucked,confused,helpless and hopeless and inspired me to carry on and persevere the self realization journey… lay man’s term…….to find God!

I went on several silent and directed spiritual retreats…….to reflect and to stay focused on inner growth.I also discovered that moving into the inner being also entailed looking at myself with lots of light-hearted humour and amusements(simplicity of the stilled mind)….to ease into the discovery passage….with enthusiasm and engaging curiosity.


Self-discovery is a passage from the restlessness of the mind into the wisdom, Love and compassion of the restful/peaceful heart,whereby during that journey,we cleanse ourselves of the impurities of past/present guilts,shames,fears,unwholesome activities/addictions,bitterness and all negative/afflictive traits……we recover our true selves,we uncover who we were……to who we are,we become whole(undivided) in body,mind and spirit(heart)….Love is revealed and animated………………..

The spiritual journey is a transformation process… is one of simply becoming HUMAN and relating with humanity in compassionate understanding and respect……………….


Picture above is titled….The hidden treasure by Rembrandt




To quell the restless mind and open to the path of wisdom and Love

Why is the mind in so much turbulence?Why are we always trying to escape any form of unhappiness/uneasiness/discomfort?Are we afraid to face our ‘demons’( mostly from the past…mistakes and regrets,hurts and hidden lies/secrets/jealousies ,dissapointments and shattered dreams,phobias and dark agendas)Are we afraid of our own self…..of being alone?


In times of loneliness(lonely feelings can arise even when surrounded by people,feeling lonely can also come about when one is busy doing something but feeling a meaninglessness within)….the mind is wandering,it is not Present! When the restless and disturbed mind goes into ‘fear’mode(triggered by guilt/shame/helplessness/anxiety,anger)…………..stop!……look at it…it is asking of something,healing perhaps?….it warrants our attention and not go to look for temporary reliefs.


How to calm this restlessness?


We have only our natural given resources right here where and who we are already…. Within ourselves!

The greatest self given tools are the gifts of the breath,the mind itself and the human heart(the seat of universal consciousness and conscience) holding the full capacity of Love,compassion and wisdom…….


Whatever we need to do, we need to be in a train of continuous mindfulness of all that we do…….we become mindful of the mind itself and be watchful of its thoughts…..when thoughts come in,we simply know and say to ourselves that we are thinking,and become aware we are thinking,but don’t identify with its contents,otherwise we get caught in its fear/anxious/worry driven components.

Mindfulness also encompasses the ability to be aware of everything that we do in the moment…….if we are sitting simply know we are sitting,if we are washing dishes, simply bring the attention to know that we are washing dishes in the moment,if we are looking at the sky simply know we are looking at the sky and nothing else!The whole truth is to be aware of everything we are thinking, saying, doing and feeling and knowing as of in the Now!


Training our minds like this brings our focus to only this moment and we can bring the wandering mind to be attentive and present………there is no need to be forceful,defensive or resistive …..just allow to be,so the mind is not in control but learns to come back to the present moment.There is no hard and fast rule to follow….just simply be and the mind will co-operate.Most importantly don’t be hard on oneself…..Do NOT try to force any thoughts,good or bad to stop or be suppressed,no matter what,it only gets stronger and harder to let go…..thoughts are meant to be acknowledged and slowly let go.The more you watch the mind/thoughts and allow it to be…….it gets ‘shy’ and will no longer want to appear and be a distraction!

And be on guard with falling into the trap of fantasizing and daydreaming while watching the mind.


The breath is our life force,are we aware that we are breathing?Again we can learn awareness and presence from the breath.


Stay connected with the breath,become aware of the breathing,take a deep breath,be mindful of the air that goes in thru the nostrils and the rising of the abdomen,stay with that in-breath and feel the pause of relief……say to oneself……’inhaling,I breathe in peace……let the breath out slowly,follow the flattening of the abdomen……say to oneself….’exhaling,I let go of the restlessness’…… become aware of all that is going on,the thoughts,the feelings, the physical sensations…….name it if possible,be honest,if feeling angry, say to oneself’angry’….look where these sensations are coming from,why it is coming on,what is the underlying reason for the restlessness….does it need acting out,does it need to hurt oneself or others?


The tendency here is,it might bring on some knowledge where addictions and habitual patterns arise.Addictive behaviours are not exclusive only to drugs, alcohol,gambling,sex,food but include,use of technological gadgets, gossiping, selfishness,meanness,being angry ,flaring tempers,annoying and ill-will to others,causing problems for others thru words and deeds(even intentions),ignoring to help others,rudeness, crudeness,busyness,with work,self hatred/loathing,etc…..What does it feel like…… with it,stay with it,know it!

Remember not to identify with all afflictive states,they arise and they can be subdued and healed when we are ready to be sincere and make amends.

With the constancy of being in awareness,it brings understanding and this leads further to the wisdom of the healing process.


Constant practise of mindful breathing and looking into the thoughts,actions, sensations and feelings,we will slowly bring the mind to some concentrated silence and peacefulness.Every time the mind is disturbed with thoughts bring the mind back to the awareness of the breath…….to know when breathing in and to know when breathing out.With each breathing in we can say something like ‘breathing in I feel comforted, breathing out,I let go of discomforts’…etc,


Through this practise, meditation can begin naturally as the mind gains some degree of concentration where it can be further trained to be silent(stilled).Sitting upright is imperative for breathing and meditation, whether on a chair or cross-legged on the floor or with a cushion.Personally I could not crossleg and sit on the floor so I always sat on a chair with my back not slouching on the backrest of the chair and the feet firmly grounded on the floor/ground with hands on my lap on top of each other,eyes could be focused on an object( for concentration) or simply open looking straight..


Meditation is awareness itself….the awareness of presence outside of ourselves and inner introspection where we are in tune with ourselves and is attentive to all our thoughts, emotions,physical conditions and attributes without making judgements,comments,self criticism and fault finding( in other words examining our conscience to the full extent of truth).

We will discover and uncover insights and analysis of the whys,hows and understandings of the true nature of our own self.We will also soon discover that the mind is the main cause of unecessary sufferings.As the mind gets stabilised in being stilled through devout meditation practices,the heart will take over and love can prevail.

Find a comfortable,nurturing spot(at home,walking, nature,anywhere that feels safe)to ground the self and be in quiet understanding and remembrance of why we dedicate the time to practice doing good for ourselves…to end unecessary sufferings for ourselves and others………………..


Connect to the innate loving heart,become aware that there is a caring,forgiving,compassionate, understanding and merciful Presence Within….become aware of that energy that allows kindness and benevolence to flow……..allow the self to ‘cry’ in tenderness knowing it wants to heal but needs strength and guidance and courage to do so.Allow for the sacred silence within to speak and it will if one is sincere and humble to know one’s weaknesses and in need of help.Resistence, defensiveness,denials, self doubts and limitations are hindrances to progress for peace,calmness of mind and the heart to love unconditionally.


People have this tendency to get disheartened when things don’t seem to progress.All endeavours take time,with faithful and trusting perseverence, all efforts will pay off sure enough……………….As sentient beings we are always looking for quick fixes and solutions to all problems and think that self healing takes place in a day or two!Again here we might allow the restless mind to take control and churn stories in the mind to giving up when things don’t seem to change for the better or improve…let the mind be on guard again…..know what is happening and start again……….when we give up, the mind takes complete control and restlessness looms again!


In truth we all can curb the restlessness and disturbances of the mind and cultivate loving kindness and enjoy peacefulness in every aspect of life for ourselves and others.We can use the loving creativity of the heart to pursue healthy activities and spiritual practices like joining a meditation/spiritual community,learning breathing techniques,volunteering(church,temple,soup kitchen,animal shelter),yoga,getting counselling help,reading books of self help/growth/meditaion,listening to spiritual talks,spending time in nature,nurturing relationships/friendships/children,nearby or faraway travels,silent/directed spiritual retreats and of course spending time alone for reflections and introspections,taking up a course that is of interest to oneself….cooking, gardening,animal care/grooming etc………and I am sure many more………….sometimes,we have to open ourselves to the enhusiasm of trying something we have never done before.Most importantly generating kindly actions and intentions to everything that we do,allows a healthy inner growth…………..


Cultivating a moral lifestyle helps foster the mind mature with understanding and respect for oneself and others.In the Buddhist teaching,these are known as the five precepts of training in self discipline namely…..

to not steal/taking away of things that do not belong to you…..(coveting others as well),

to not kill and to do no harm(violence),

to not gossip and tell lies(causing trouble and problems)

to not take intoxicants,drugs/alcohol(they could distort the mind to be aware of dangers to self and others),

to not participate in sexual misconduct(without respect and loving kindness)


Opening into the heart


In my own compassionate experience journey, I found out that the power of visualisations helped enhance my spiritual growth rapidly and with devoted practices, it helped open my mind and heart to see the immense suffering I was undergoing and it aided to open my heart to love and forgiveness,I learned to understand the sufferings of others just the same.


The power of the breath,mindfulness,meditation and visualisation can help rid of this false ideology that the end of unnecessary suffering is impossible.Active visualisation helps one make positive changes/transformation to benefit ourselves and others.We could be followers of various religious practices,but our true direction is to follow the inward journey from the restless mind to the loving wise heart…where we actually witness our own divine spark and come to the full knowledge of who we truly are and the understanding that we are One with the whole of creation,there is no separation.


We allow ourselves to find the time and sacred space to do this……….again,anywhere that we can find a quiet spot,where we will not be distracted.I used to do in this in a quiet church.We can simply sit,breathe in and out,become mindful of the breath,come to a remembrance of this sacred time and why we do this….so we can find harmony within.When we are ready,we become aware, we start to imagine/visualise and see ourselves,in sincere humble supplication sitting, kneeling,lying prostrate,head bowed down(although we may be sitting upright). In front of us there we imagine the image of a deity,Jesus, Buddha,Mother Mary,saints of any religion,Wise Being or even someone we knew/know who embodies kindness, love, mercy, understanding,tenderness, compassion,goodness and peacefulness(we can use one image or more if we like).

We visualise ourselves being loved and cared for and forgiven for all our past and present actions/mistakes and imagine how we are truly loved unconditioned and being tended to in a kindly manner and that we are being understood of our struggles, difficulties,weaknesses and mistakes,we can start allowing ourselves to be truly repentant of our faults.We start visualising our heart area opening up and being transmitted with love and forgiveness and understanding from the heart of the deity.We imagine,ourselves interacting with peace,joy and love with the deity like a lover and the beloved, like a loving mother/father and child,like loving friends,like a compassionate teacher and devoted student.


As we practise this visualisation technique with true devotion, we will witness the poignancy of Love and forgiveness opening up Within.Then only can we feel the true transformation taking place within us and experience the power of compassion for ourselves and others…………


I write from the knowledge of my own compassionate spiritual experiences of the journey from self hatred, suffering and restlessness of the mind into one of understanding and respect of all human conditions…………most of my adult life I was suffering from bouts of depression and was taking prescribed anti-depressant medication,I was seeing psychiatrists and trying to pretend that I had a normal life like anybody else,running around like a chicken without a head……I knew I was terribly unhappy deep down and was living my life carelessly/foolishly……not until 20 years ago when I was knocked down to my knees that I decided to pull myself up and do something beautiful,something transformational and thus,I learned to breathe, be mindful,silence my mind in meditation and with the power to visualise ,I discovered and uncovered unconditional love,compassion,forgiveness,wisdom,truth,and goodness to be  living realities innately alive within each and every human being.


If we do not allow ourselves to be witnesses of our own true human experiences and make the effort to learn and change from it…….we will not be free from the wheel of unecessary suffering and misery.Do we really have to wait to be brought down to our knees before we will see the light?Everything that we need for this wondrous journey is already waiting Within……….

The Compassionate experience

“no one lights a lamp and hides it under a bed,instead he puts it on a stand so that anyone who comes in can see it” ~~~~~ Jesus



“no one lights a lamp and hides it under a bed,instead,he puts it on a stand,so that anyone who comes in can see the light”~~~~~~~~~~~Jesus



Sometime in July of 2016, I first started to be inspired, courageous and motivated to write and pour my inner revealing story of how a human being can be pulled from the wreckage of self destruction and misery into one of radical full recovery into spiritual wholeness.I want and l need to share the compassionate human experience as how I journeyed  from suffering into self discovery.I write not from read texts of books or others’ experiences,I write from my simplistic heart,an urging within myself that needs to share and make known the spiritual awareness of daily life and living.


I write with no scholarly antics but from my own personal empirical transformative spiritual journey delving into self inquiry, spiritual disciplines and practices and devoted meditative sittings/walkings.I write from the lessons and insights I had learned,understood through the hours spent in medtitation and the personal experiences that I had encountered while traversing the human realm trying to undo and change from mistakes of the past.


I write not to be liked or disliked, neither to be recognised or be known.My writing is simply put….a sharing of my insights and experiences as I walked thru the healing journey.It is not meant to say that I know everything or ‘holier than thou’ or different. I am but only human who dared take up my cross(taking responsibilities for my own actions/mistakes),following a spiritual path and facing its consequences(paying the price for unnecessary sufferings)and extricating myself from its grip……….and being free from the past or the future,to be as I am in the Now…………….

It is as Jesus says,when we light a candle/lamp,we put it out,for others to see, so that others may be in need of a spark of brightness to see ahead, so that others may have hope that the fear of darkness is not permanent.Just as a lighthouse is built so that ships would not crash on the rocks and be doomed.


I went through an intense spiritual awakening 20 years ago in 1998 while on a 1 year working contract as an emergency room registered nurse in Saudi Arabia.I came back to British Columbia,Canada only after 3 months.What I saw and witnessed over in Saudi working as an RN was  very traumatic to me.I came back home to Canada to never be the same person as I was before I left for Saudi.When I came back home the calling for a deeper spiritual and meditative life opened at a fast pace and I faced many challenges,trials and going through various transformation processes.


I write here for the only purpose and intention is to share the human spiritual experiences and journey from one of worldly which I had been living,frivolous,carefree,and ignorant of all the sufferings I endured wastefully and needlessly…….and now to a simple,frugal,contented and peaceful way of living…………..


I had no particular personal spiritual teacher nor am I affliated to any one traditional religious teaching,though I was born into a Catholic family and practised Catholicism most of my life.

While opening up to my inner self journey…….I followed dedicatedly to mainly Buddhist philosophy and teachings.My teachers were many through the various books and religious traditions I read.Some of my favourite teachers were Pema Chodron,Jack Kornfield,Ajahn Chah and Ajahn Brahm.Paramahansa Yogananda ,Echkart Tolle and many others.

Sometime in 2007,I had an exhilarating priviledge of sitting with Echkart Tolle,world renowned spiritual teacher and author of the world famous book …’The Power of Now’.It was wonderful being in the presence of this lovely man and sharing our spiritual experiences in that private sitting.It was a truly blessed time as he acknowledged my spiritual progress as I needed endorsement for my continuing growth in spirit.

My true teachers were the very people I was close to,walked and worked and lived in daily life,there were difficult ones, caring ones,soft and hard hearted ones,generous and selfish ones,foolish and insensitive ones,there were many who help teach me lessons I needed to pass through.I did not reject anyone of them,some of them yes, I feared more than others but still I had to learn lessons from them…… patience, humility,courage, kindness,the chance to learn charity and generosity,fortitude,trust,the power to forgive,and the strength to let go.

Most of all, I learned how to subdue my uncontrollable temper which those close to me can attest to,I also had to admit to unhealthy addictions that only caused unecessary sufferings to myself and others,which I had to learn how to understand from where its destructive roots arised and do away with all of them.

I learned that in life, one cannot escape any given situation of happiness or unhappiness,beautiful or ugly but to face everything and surrender to whatever is present,things will unfold and we will be given a renewed chance for us to work with in order to benefit ourselves and others.

In other words, Life itself is our true teacher…….we accept and embrace all aspects of life,good or bad,there is no all good or all bad.We allow the mystery of uncertainties and the unknown open us up to the truth of our very human existence.Healing is a long process we have to go through life with and every situation,every tragedy,every joy and every person is our teacher to help mold,inspire and pave the way for a Higher Sublime purpose.


The spiritual journey is not about being holy, pious,religious or saintly, but includes everything we experience in our daily lives,where we become aware of the lessons we learn from each one and grow into compassionate human beings acknowledging our sufferings/pains and joys/happiness and relating back the same to others.It encompasses everyone we meet and to reject no one we encounter in our daily life.It includes people dear and loved,acquaintances,strangers,difficult people and so called enemies(each of these people will hold a spiritual lesson to learn from).The spiritual experience is not about picking or choosing each person or life situation as we like but facing every one and everything that opens up to us and being present(aware) to see what we can do and learn from each and the freedom to choose how we grow or not grow from it!

We are all on this human journey(no one is left out) to help each other grow in spirit and help each other to put an end to  pain and suffering and live in harmony wherever we are………….


Whatever I may have written or still to write,may resonate or sit true with some,others may have doubts or indifference.I write in the hope that someone or people may benefit  or relate or sit true by my sharings.

I wish only for the highest good in everyone.



The Heart blooms with Love!

When the Heart blooms in Love,there is lightness of Being.

Heavy burdens lighten.

What seems fearful,becomes fearless.

What seems troublesome,becomes accepted.

The conditioned self,melts into the unconditional…….

What was arrogant,relents into humility.

What was unforgiving,speaks of forgiveness.


what was trapped in anger and hatred,releases into tenderness and compassion.

New Year Heart Resolution

“it is the only thing we can do……each of us must turn inward and destroy in himself all that he thinks he ought to destroy others.And remember that every atom of hate added to this world makes it still more inhospitable”_____Etty Hillesum

New Year Heart Resolution


We all exchange wishes for a “happy new year”….we hope to be more happy and peaceful and blessed with good health and success……….what could the creative heart express and put in action more to make this wish for happiness and peace come to fruition?
Would it be to say more”I love you”,”I am sorry”,”please forgive me”,”I forgive you”,”please accept my apologies”,”yes I was wrong,you were right”,”I need help with trying to quit smoking/drinking,gambling,etc”,”I need help with my insecurities,my problems, my fears etc.”,I want to better myself,to change my unhealthy habits/addictions”,”to acknowledge my sufferings and strive to seek help in order to find peace and make life better for my family,friends and environment”,”I want to be more kind in my actions,thoughts and words”,” I want to be charitable to others less fortunate than me”.
Inspirational quotes:

“instead of hating so-called enemies…….the real target of your hatred should be hatred itself”____Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche,a Tibetan spiritual Master.

“I no longer believe that we can change anything in the world,until we have first changed ourselves.And that seems the only first lesson to be learned from war.____Etty Hillesum,a Dutch Jewish author who had an intense spiritual transformation,she was captured by the Gestapo and executed in the Auschwitz concentration camp.



Closing the year

Closing the year……………

I like so much the title of this 4th episode of the new TV series Knightfall……it says…….”He who discovers his own self,discovers God”……………… true!
In a few days, we all will be closing the last day of the present calendar year 2017….some will close it with a big bang,special celebrations to welcome the new year cycle 2018.Some will be alone,some will have some kind of get together and there will be others with a ‘who cares’attitude.In most religious traditions,there will be some sort of service to give thanks for what the year long has brought and to ask for blessings for the new year.

It is good to have any kind of celebratory recall of what we as individuals,community and collectively have experienced in the course of the days of the year………….it is good to reflect on our private and open memories of what has transpired within ourselves and our situation,how we have been affected by others,by our own actions,thoughts and words and how we can help make ourselves better,thus influencing a better growth around us……….we not only see the days of this calendar year but we can check in ourselves anytime and everytime to keep track of awareness of our being,our present state…….there will be recalls of beautiful/lovely things,we have done,seen,said and felt…….we can nourish these memories by loving ourselves for them sincerely,we can witness our capability to be more loving,caring,charitable and kindly in order to harness the goodness we desire around us.

There will also be unhealthy memories we want to suppress,let go,escape from or be afraid to see……………there is no need of fear…….they are of the past and whats more important is the present,we can make changes and start afresh…..we can have the courage to forgive,make amends, heal and find peace,anything is possible…………….when we go into ourselves,we discover there is Only God(Love)!